Just as I thought things were beginning to come together for me, life has thrown yet another curve ball at me. I'm not sure if the universe is testing me, seeing how much I can withstand before I break, or if it's just another one of those things that happens. As many of my friends know, I am not a huge believer in spiritual matters, however, I do generally believe that people come into your life for a reason. Whether it be painful or complete bliss, the relationships we form with others in our lives shape who we are and who we will be. The life of a traveller always includes people entering and leaving your life. This year I've had many friends come and go, new friendships formed and new love interests. I went through a rough break up that left me raw, broken, and lost in my own head. Since then, I've had time to look at myself and the situation, to see the good and the bad that came with that relationship. It's always hard getting over someone who was such a big part of your life. To go from one day knowing you will spend the rest of your life with someone, to the next day knowing it will never be again. But life goes on, we must keep living, we must keep moving.
In the midst of finding myself again, and figuring out my new life, another relationship began to develop. I was not expecting it, nor was I really searching for it, but suddenly it was there and it made me happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I have always been very set in my ways, unwilling to change anything about myself because my ways worked for me. Suddenly I found myself wanting to be better for this new man in my life. My views on life, my surroundings and the people I choose to share my life with began to evolve and change. He made me want to grow and mature in a way I haven't felt before. He is the kind of man you work for, the kind of man every woman wants to end up with. The one who supports you in everything you do, the one who will stick around. How lucky I was that he chose me! However, as life does, things got complicated and much to our disappointment the relationship ended. I know he came into my life for a reason, I don't know what that is yet, but there has to be one.
I am bummed about it, a lot more than I had expected. My mind and heart tell me to fight for it, I feel like it is the kind of thing you don't just let get away. But I have spent my whole life fighting for what I want. This man taught me to think through the situation and try to react accordingly, without forcing anything, so I am trying, the best that I can, to let things be. It's a fight for me, it's against everything in my character to be patient, to let things happen. I am a doer, if I want something I work for it.
But as always, I am still a hopeless romantic. I still have to believe that somewhere there is someone who is exactly what I am looking for. A partner in life, someone who shares my interests, someone who will support me even in the silliest of ventures, someone who cares about others, someone who makes me want to be the best that I can be, someone to run with, someone to laugh with and someone to cry with. I want an equal. Someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. Someone who will love me more than anyone else in the world. Someone who appreciates the silly things I do, someone who loves all the little crazy things about me. I shouldn't have to convince someone that I'm worth the risk. I want someone who will blindly jump in head first with me. Maybe it's him and the timing is wrong, or maybe I've already met that person, perhaps they are right under my nose and I don't know it. Or maybe they are still out there, and our paths will cross one day when the time is right. All I can do is continue being me, continue evolving for myself and hope that one day I find what I'm looking for.
A friend once told me that I torture myself through exercise and running, so if I can endure that kind of pain physically, I can deal with so much more emotionally. It's tough. There are days where I feel helpless, worthless and lost. So I do the only thing I know how to do, keep running. Running gets me through the tough times. It's just me, my thoughts and the road. No one but myself controls how far or how fast I go.
I am doing my best to apply it to my life as well, "Don't stop, just keep running."
