It's been six months since I returned to Canada from my life abroad, it still blows my mind how much my life has changed. Since moving to PEI in May, life has been a whirlwind of classes, assignments and work. Summer time is a great time to be on the island and I have been able to keep busy with friends hitting the beach and other fun adventures. With how busy I am, my mind is often filled and doesn't have time to reminisce or miss the life I lived in Korea, but every once in awhile those thoughts sneak back in and I wonder what my next step will be. And now I'm on vacation so I have ample time to think and over-think things.
When I first came back I had a definite plan: Finish school, find a job in Dubai. That was it. But as they do, circumstances have changed. I'm beginning to rethink that plan. I turned 30 this year, maybe it's time for me to "settle down" get a job in Canada and make a life for myself. I wrestle with these thoughts daily. I miss the travelling life so much, yet I can't help but think that maybe I'll miss out on things like marriage and kids if I keep travelling. I find myself mulling over the options, go to Dubai, stay in the Maritimes, teach up North. And to complicate matters even more, I unexpectedly found myself a wonderful boyfriend who I happen to dig very much. So now not only do I have fears and anxieties about what my next step will be, I am navigating the complex maze that is a relationship while trying to subside the fear of getting my heartbroken yet again.
I know I struggle with over-thinking things, and I know others do the same, but it's hard to see it from another perspective. This one year course will help me move on to my career as a teacher that much I know, but everything else hangs in the balance. Everyone always says you have to just be happy, however, sometimes I feel like happiness, true happiness, is just a myth everyone talks about but no one ever truly achieves. It's so hard to make decisions for your life, how can one just be happy? My boyfriend is great, very patient and forgiving. I want to commit fully to him but I still have that fear, that I will get abandoned yet again and be alone to fend for myself again. That fear makes me think that maybe I should just plan for life on my own and never try to share myself with anyone. Maybe I'm just not the marrying type? Maybe I'm not meant to have kids and a family of my own. Maybe I'm not worth the trouble. And maybe I'm just over-thinking things again.
