Flying into 2014, literally

It's 10:20 am on December 31, 2013 and I am sitting in the Toronto airport awaiting my flight back to Seoul, where it is already 2014. Airports are one of my favourite things about travelling, there's no better place to people watch. Everyone is coming and going, visiting family, reuniting with friends, it's a community within a community of people with the same goals. As I sit here and look back on all the things that have happened this year, I feel lucky enough to even be sitting in an airport ready to board an international flight. Not everyone gets the same opportunities I have been lucky enough to have. I have been lucky enough to travel the world, make new friends, live in a foreign country and so much more. Sometimes it's hard to see beyond the stress and strife of daily life and see how lucky we really are.

Looking back at the things I hoped to accomplish in 2013 it's hit or miss. Some things I checked off the list, others I didn't, others I accomplished and didn't even know I would. I travelled to Japan, became GM of my hash kennel, had my heartbroken, fell in love, met new friends, took a solo trip to Busan, ran my first full marathon, applied to school, visited my family, sprained my ankle, embarrassed myself while drinking too much, cried, laughed, loved, and so much more. It's been a year of learning and figuring things out. I turned 29 in June and celebrated with my birthday twin and all of our friends. This last year of my twenties has been a big one in helping me evolve and grow. I have made friends who will be friends for life, who have helped me change and have picked me up when I was down. I know I am still learning, I am still lost and trying to figure out who I am and where my place is in this big crazy world. 

This next year brings a lot of change into my life, I will be leaving Korea after three and a half years for the unknown. I've applied to schools to take my Bachelor of Education so once my contract is finished in March, I will make my way back to Canada to await what I hope are acceptance letters. Australia is a back up plan should I not get into school, so there are opportunities on the horizon. It's a lot of change for me and I am genuinely terrified to leave Seoul, the place I have called home for so long and my friends who are now family. But I remind myself that when I chose to take the leap and move to Seoul originally I was also terrified of what the future would hold. I was, as I am now, terrified of being alone, scared of not making it on my own, but everything worked out then and I know it will work out now. It's time to open a new chapter of my life and this is the year. It'll be a year of focusing on myself, my health, my future, and figuring out who I am. 

So as I fly into 2014, I am thankful for all that I've experienced this past year and I am excited for all the new adventures I will have this year. I know the things I need to do to make myself the best I can be; eat healthy, run, workout, sleep, love, be loved and go with the flow. If I can do all of these things in 2014, it's destined to be a great year!! ON-ON to Seoul! Happy New Year everyone!

Lost, and home isn't home anymore.

As you probably know, I have been living abroad in Korea for the last three and a half years. In that time I have gone home once after my first year. This year I was excited to be able to come home for Christmas. After counting down for many months, the time finally arrived for me to board my plane and make my way back to the east coast of Canada. After more than 30 hours of travelling I arrived home. But after a few days, I've quickly realized home just isn't home anymore. It has been wonderful to spend time with my family and see my old friends, but I feel so out of place here. Like I'm not really here, I am just watching from the outside. I've always known that the longer I stayed away, the less I could relate to my friends and family back home. I have lost touch with many friends and the ones I still remain in contact with just don't understand what life is like away from home. I have nothing to say to people around here, they don't understand why I would want to live in a strange country or why I choose to not have a white picket fence, kids and a husband(well the husband part really isn't my choice!)

I feel completely lost and like I'm wandering around looking for the place that I belong. I'm living the aftermath of yet another break up, trying to figure out where I always go wrong. It's been a tough year for me. After the horrible, heart wrenching break up I went through in May, I was reluctant to let myself love anyone again. But as they say, love came along and I wasn't expecting it. Despite my best efforts, I found myself head over heels in love with one of my very good friends. He was someone who had seen me through the rough times and still wanted to be with me. This was the first time I had ever dated someone who I was good friends with, and it definitely made us a lot closer much more quickly. I fell hard and fast, despite the constant fear that I would have my heartbroken yet again. And as it happens, on the last day before he and I were going to leave each other for three months, my fears came true and my heart was broken. It seems inevitable now. Every time I let myself fall, every time I let my guard down and let someone in, I get hurt. How many heart breaks can one girl take? People always say 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I'm not sure I believe that. Not only did I get my heart crushed, but I lost a very important friend in the process. One of those friends you can talk to, who will be there when you need them, who knows the bad things about you and still loves you anyway. If I had chosen friendship over love, I would still have that. Of all things I've done in my life, this is one I regret. I made the wrong choice.

I am officially unemployed this coming February. I will be leaving Korea, the place I've called home for 3+ years and my friends who have become my family, and moving back to Canada to await a letter telling me if I get into university or not. I'll have no job, no house, no car, no boyfriend, no friends and no plans. It's terrifying. I'm nearing my 30th birthday and my life is not even close to being figured out. I worry about what I will do and how I will support myself. I am ashamed that I've reached this age and have nothing to show for it, yet I wouldn't trade my travel experiences for anything. I'm embarrassed that I am going to be sleeping on my parents couch and going back to school yet again. I'm afraid I'm making the wrong choice, yet I feel I have no other choice. I'm doing my best to tell myself it's time to make a change, and change is good. It's a new chapter with new adventures. It means saying goodbye to friends, but saying hello to new ones.

I'm worried I am becoming jaded, that the more I get lost and the more I get hurt, the higher my wall goes and the harder it will become to break it down. Can I really keep hoping?  I've always said I am a hopeless romantic, but every time someone loves me, they decide they don't want to put in the work. Maybe I really am destined to be alone. Maybe I am too selfish, or too unloveable, or too mean for anyone to really love forever.

All I can do is continue on, day by day, hoping that I what am I doing is leading me to my best self. And hoping that one day I will find that place I belong and the person I belong there with.

Things I will miss about Korea (Part I)

It's  the beginning of December which means the weather is getting chilly, the holiday buzz is on and I've got roughly two and a half months left in this country. It's hard to even think back to when I didn't live here. All the little nuances and cultural differences are a way of life now. Integrating back into North American life is going to be hard for me so I've decided to do a series of posts featuring things I'll miss about Korea. 

First and foremost, my kiddos. While I may complain and gripe about a bad day, these guys are saviors for my sanity. Their smiles make my day every day. They come to class excited to see me and have a good time at school. Hanging with them is awesome and I'm going to miss not having them to go see everyday.

Random street art everywhere. The alleys and streets of Seoul are filled with graffiti and art work. Some of it's amateur work and some of them are genuinely gorgeous works of art. You never know what might be around the corner from you. 

Seoul skyline. I love this city. I fall in love with it every time I look around. It's a small but big city and every neighborhood brings something different. A new adventure, a new view and new experiences. 

It's such a digital world. Pagers for everything! No waiting in lines here. I'm currently sitting in a 24 hour coffee shop sipping a green tea latte and writing this post from my iPhone. Korea is so connected, there is free wifi everywhere!! Even on buses and trains! At times it's overwhelming how many people have cell phones or tablets in their hands on a daily basis but at other times it's a life savor. There is an app for everything in this country. You can find out which subway to take and exactly what time you'll get there, or what bus to get on and the exact current location of it. You can find restaurants and bars, compare shopping and order just about anything you can think up. 

The hashers. For the past two years my life has been about the hash. Every Saturday and Sunday I wake up early to trek to Seoul to run with this bunch of crazy lunatics. Over that time, I have made countless friends, fell in love, had my heart broken, discovered my second family and fell in love again. The hash has shown me more parts of this great city than I ever could have explored on my own. It has taught me to keep going even when times are tough. It has taught me to forgive and forget, and to let other peoples differences be keys to great friendships. The hash has become my family and of all the things I will miss about Korea, they are the biggest one. 

Time for breakfast! Stay tuned for my next post!