Can't get out of my own head

It's been six months since I returned to Canada from my life abroad, it still blows my mind how much my life has changed. Since moving to PEI in May, life has been a whirlwind of classes, assignments and work. Summer time is a great time to be on the island and I have been able to keep busy with friends hitting the beach and other fun adventures. With how busy I am, my mind is often filled and doesn't have time to reminisce or miss the life I lived in Korea, but every once in awhile those thoughts sneak back in and I wonder what my next step will be. And now I'm on vacation so I have ample time to think and over-think things.

When I first came back I had a definite plan: Finish school, find a job in Dubai. That was it. But as they do, circumstances have changed. I'm beginning to rethink that plan. I turned 30 this year, maybe it's time for me to "settle down" get a job in Canada and make a life for myself. I wrestle with these thoughts daily. I miss the travelling life so much, yet I can't help but think that maybe I'll miss out on things like marriage and kids if I keep travelling. I find myself mulling over the options, go to Dubai, stay in the Maritimes, teach up North. And to complicate matters even more, I unexpectedly found myself a wonderful boyfriend who I happen to dig very much. So now not only do I have fears and anxieties about what my next step will be, I am navigating the complex maze that is a relationship while trying to subside the fear of getting my heartbroken yet again.

I know I struggle with over-thinking things, and I know others do the same, but it's hard to see it from another perspective. This one year course will help me move on to my career as a teacher that much I know, but everything else hangs in the balance. Everyone always says you have to just be happy, however, sometimes I feel like happiness, true happiness, is just a myth everyone talks about but no one ever truly achieves. It's so hard to make decisions for your life, how can one just be happy? My boyfriend is great, very patient and forgiving. I want to commit fully to him but I still have that fear, that I will get abandoned yet again and be alone to fend for myself again. That fear makes me think that maybe I should just plan for life on my own and never try to share myself with anyone. Maybe I'm just not the marrying type? Maybe I'm not meant to have kids and a family of my own. Maybe I'm not worth the trouble. And maybe I'm just over-thinking things again.

Oh hello thirties, you look fun!

I know I've been slacking on the posts lately, its been a combination of not having motivation and being so busy with school that I don't have time! But I figured since last weekend I turned 30 that it was time for an update!

We've all read the posts women write freaking out about turning 30, and I'm not going to lie, I definitely had those moments. I look back at what I thought my life would be like at 30 and this is not what I had imagined. Younger Caley always thought she'd be married by now with a career and possibly kids. But as it happens, present Caley is unmarried, childless and currently back in university attempting to get another degree so she can actually get a decent paying job and support herself. It's not all sad sob stories though, I did accomplish quite a lot on my pre-thirties bucket list, and I've definitely done a whole lot more than I ever imagined. Those adventures and experiences have shaped who I am. I am not mature by any means, I still laugh at dirty words and I think like a kid most of the time, but I have begun to realize I am who I am and that's okay. I don't drink anymore and I don't feel the need to provide an excuse for why. I wake up early and I like it. I have zero desire to go to a club or to go partying anymore. I like tea, lots of it. I like staying home on my couch and cozying up to a movie. Do I still want to see the world and have adventures? Heck yes!! There are so many places to go and people to meet! But I am beginning to see the benefits of settling down, starting a life and supporting myself.

I am excited to be in my thirties now. I made a lot of mistakes in my twenties and learned from some of them(still waiting to learn those other lessons!) but I am pretty sure my thirties are going to be wayyy better!

I think the biggest thing I am learning as I grow up is that it's okay to do the things you want to do, and be the person you are. Am I super annoying in the early morning? You betcha! Am I antisocial and introverted sometimes? Absolutely! Am I overemotional and stressed out over ridiculous things often? Yup! Do I jump into things headfirst without considering the consequences? Yes ma'am! But those are just a few of the things that make me the person I am, and I am learning to love that person more and more everyday. There is only one me, love it or leave it.

Locker room rant: Ladies of North America, it's time to embrace the naked!

Tonight I realized something that has really changed in my mind since living in Asia. There I was at hot yoga, just finished up class and in the locker room unwinding and getting ready to head home. The locker room is rather small and only has two washrooms. As I strip down and change into clean undies, I head over to the washrooms to pee, only to find both of them full. As I stand there and wait, I realize the occupants are not using the washroom, but changing their clothes!! SERIOUSLY LADIES?!! You would think that at a yoga studio, of all places women would be more at peace with their bodies and not feel ashamed about getting naked in front of other women. Why is it that people in North America think/feel that way? I've been noticing since attending this studio that women are often changing in the shower stalls or hiding themselves behind towels to put on their bras and undies. COME ON PEOPLE!! No one cares what you look like naked!

After living in Korea where it's bare all or go home, I've become very comfortable with walking around the locker room nude, or in my undies. Here in Canada, I find myself almost feeling ashamed yet again for being that person who bares it all and doesn't care. Why is it that our society almost forces us to feel like we need to hide our bodies, especially in an environment that is all about loving yourself and your body? If you're going to pay exorbitant amounts of money to belong to a yoga studio and dress yourself in all the expensive yoga clothes, at least put some effort into actually trying to feel comfortable in your own body. I mean I do not always have the highest of self-esteems, but I sure as hell can get naked in a locker room!!! We need to start changing the way our culture thinks. We are teaching the next generation of children to be ashamed of their bodies, thus continuing the ever growing number of women with eating disorders and body image disorders.

Rant over. Please return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Hot yoga might be changing my life.

Well I'm a week through my 12 month Bachelor of Education, only 51 more to go!! This week was great and went by so quickly. Monday we began with orientation, we got to meet the profs and the other 60 some people in the program. It was a lot of fun and I was pleased to meet a handle full of others who have taught in Korea as well. It was nice to have that to bond over.

Classes were great. I am amazed at the enthusiasm from all of the profs. They are all very passionate about teaching and it definitely shows. Our classes are 3 hours long, but for the most part they go by in the blink of an eye. Everyone in the program is great, super friendly and excited.

I've been going to hot yoga for two weeks now and I am shocked at how much it has changed my life so far. I've been going to the 6am class before school and it feels amazing to start the day with yoga practice.

But the biggest thing I have noticed is how well I am sleeping. For the past six months I have been having a terrible time sleeping, I had become dependent on taking Benedryl every night to help me get a good nights rest. In just two short weeks that has all changed. I've been sleeping clear through the night, going to bed around 10pm and waking up at 6am without an alarm. It has been amazing!!! If that alone is the only benefit I ever get from hot yoga then I'll be happy! I think there will be more however, I've noticed I am a lot calmer and more patient already as well.

Getting out of bed at 5:15am to bike down to the studio is tough, but the benefits are worth the effort it takes!!

Settling in to a new life

Anyeong from Charlottetown! I've been spending the past week settling into this new city I will be calling my home for the next year or so. I moved down Saturday morning and with the help of my little brother, Jeremy, got my apartment set up.

I bought a couch and love seat off kijiji from a guy who lived in the same building. Got a nice deal on them and they are almost brand new from ikea! The apartment is really cute and has lots of storage space. It's in a pretty decent location, super close to school and the farmers market! 

It's been nice relaxing and getting settled on my own. I've been out on my bike everyday exploring and finding out what is nearby. I've joined Dynamic Fitness and have been going to hot yoga and spinning classes. I've done hot yoga before, but only in Korea where it was difficult because I didn't understand a lot. I am surprised by how much I enjoy it here, I can't get enough! I've been going everyday and love it!! I think it will really help me in my training for the marathon this year, among other benefits. 

I've spent the afternoon today sending out applications for jobs. Hoping I can pick up a part time serving gig somewhere soon. Would be nice to have some income again!! I am looking forward to classes starting next week, I think it's going to be a really great year! I was able to get out for a run yesterday morning so I used it to explore a bit of downtown. 

So many races!

Well I am pencilling in so many races to the calendar. I'm going to Fredericton in a couple weeks to run the Fredericton Half Marathon and I just signed up for the CIBC Run for the Cure in October. I used to do it every year when I was in Fredericton so I figured I'm back so I should start again!

If you'd like to support me by making a donation, click the link below and donate away!

http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCureFY15/Atlantic?px=1020187&pg=personal&fr_id=1896

Dentist and a sunny run!

Today is day 10 of my Whole 30 and I am finally feeling like I have my energy back. I was up and ready to get moving early this morning so I went for a walk with my mom then I headed downtown to the dentist for a cleaning! I'm embarrassed to say it's been over two years since I've had a cleaning. I used to be a twice a year girl, but then after some bad experiences in Korea I just kinda get putting it off. It was nice to get them cleaned again finally by my dentist! I've been going to the same one since I was a kid, they are practically family down there.

After my appointment I laced up my new runnings shoes and decided to go for a run downtown since I was already there! I got my new Brooks Pure Connect 2's in the mail this morning so I was anxious to try them out.

I've been running in Brooks Pure Grit's for the last few months and I really like them, so I figured the Pure Connect's would be just as good. Trying them out today was fun. They felt great on, a little snug in the toe box compared to the Pure Grit's but I think they will be fine for street running. They were nice and light with just the right amount of cushioning. They definitely helped get me through the windy 8KM of hills today! 

Day 7 and guess what I did?!

Good morning folks! Today is day 7 of my Whole 30 challenge and I feel like I have a bit more energy than yesterday at least. I spent the morning searching for apartments in Charlottetown and getting ready to go down to PEI next week to look for one. While I was searching apartments I also stumbled across a PEI running club and was taking a look at the races for this year. One caught my eye and something inside of me decided to sign up.

 http://www.peimarathon.ca

Yup, everyone was right. When I said I'd never run another marathon again, I may have fibbed just a bit. Up until recently I really had no desire to run another one, but lately, I've been getting that tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to try. It tells me that if I train hard I can better my time. So on impulse(like many of my decisions) I signed up for the full marathon on October 19th.

Looks like it's time to get training huh? I filled out my training schedule and it will start strictly mid August, but until then I will keep running consistently and hopefully this time around I can avoid being sick and get to race day feeling strong!

Whole 30 Day 6

Since I spent the bulk of my trip in the states eating everything in sight, when I arrived home my jeans were a bit tighter and my face a bit rounder. So I decided to embark on my second round of the Whole 30 program. http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/

It's 30 days of pretty strict Paleo. No grains, no dairy, no added sugar. I've done the Whole 30 strictly once before and I try to eat pretty close to it most of the time (except while on vacation, obviously). The first couple days are always pretty easy for me. My body loves the fresh feeling it gets from eating clean, but after the first few days the cravings start. Specifically I have a mad sugar addiction, it is going to be worse this time I think because of how much sugar and junk I consumed in America. (Damn you Reeses Pieces!)

The lovely folks at Whole 30 came up with a timeline of how your body generally reacts to cutting everything out. http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/  Being unemployed  and stuck at home most days makes this endeavour a bit harder. When cravings hit all I want to do is eat! Luckily my parents eat relatively healthy so there are not too many options in their house to slip up with, although I know there is ice cream in the freezer! Must avoid ice cream, must avoid ice cream.

I'm going to try to write my meals down to keep track and keep myself in line. 

Today's breakfast(note I know smoothies are generally frowned upon during the whole30, this one is technically okay, but I mostly had it because I didn't feel like cooking)

Smoothie: 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup pineapple, 1/2 cup mango, 1 cup almond milk, cinnamon, ginger, organic brown rice protein powder

Small apple cut up

6 almonds, 6 cashews

Cup of chai tea

Lunch: 1/2 avocado mixed with can of white tuna in water, 

4 cherry tomatoes

8 almonds

1/2 banana

Snack: Cashew Larabar

Dinner: Spaghetti squash topped with homemade tomato sauce & extra lean ground beef

Meals are typically not a hard part for me, I normally eat very healthy meals, it's snacking that gets me. Especially at night, I find I crave sugar so much! Hopefully this 30 days without it will help! 

Even though there is still tons of snow on the ground I haven't biked in months so I got my mountain bike out today, tuned her up and went for a 30 minute spin. It was crazy windy which made it a pretty good, heart pumping workout! Can't wait to be able to bike again everyday! 

Life after Korea: Reverse culture shock and loneliness.

I knew that leaving Korea would be a tough thing for me to do. I'm a creature of routine. I loved Korea and everything it had to offer, the endless opportunities and adventures, friends available at a moments notice, miles and miles of running trails. It was hard to decide to leave. And when I made that decision I knew that assimilating back into life in Canada would be a hard, slow process. I didn't realize how quickly the sadness and depression would set in.

My hometown is very small, something like 12,000 people, very few jobs and not a lot going on. I've been here less than a week and I already feel trapped. I feel anxious to get out, to get moving, to a big city, any city, with noise and cars and people, lots and lots of people. I never thought that a day would come where I actually missed those things. I miss people bumping into me. I miss getting lost in the sea of Koreans on the subway into Seoul. It's easy to be invisible in Korea. I miss the independence. The ability to jump on a train or bus and be anywhere I want to be. I miss my usual Saturday plans of hashing all day. I miss my Crossfit community. I miss my hash family. I miss my kindy kids. I miss it all.

I'm finding it hard to relate to people here in Canada. No one understands what life is like in another country. And no one cares either. And why should they? Their lives are here, it's not even in their realm of knowledge. I find myself grasping on to the friendships I've made in Korea. I don't want to let go of any of them, because without them, it's like my life in Korea didn't exist. But it's difficult to maintain friendships with people you meet in a foreign country, everyone is so transient. You never know when you might see each other again. I feel desperate and out of control. My future is up in the air right now. I am waiting on paper work and loan documents to be figured out so I can hopefully go to school in May. I am tossing around the ideas of different schools, moving to Vietnam, joining the military, or just sucking it up and getting a job. I feel like I am walking around waiting for something to happen, I'm waiting for opportunities, I'm waiting for friends, I'm waiting for a relationship.

I know I have to force myself to push through. Running and going to Crossfit are the only things I do now. The only people I talk to are my parents, which is lovely after being away so long, but without friends, without my independence, I am drowning. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to make a choice for my life that is good. I want to teach, but that means more debt. The army is an easy fix, but I don't know if I'll even like it. But it means I wouldn't need to depend on/take handouts from my parents anymore. I'm almost 30 and I have to sit here and watch as my parents spend every last penny they have to try and help me, when they are struggling enough on their own. I feel like a failure. I was an honour student, smart, outgoing, I should have been successful. I should be able to support myself. Instead I am 29, lonely, broke, in debt, jobless, carless, friendless and living in my parents basement. I am lost.

See ya later USA!

Well it seems it's time for my vacation to end today. I am flying back to Canada this afternoon after an action packed time in America. This past week in DC has been amazing. I flew in on Wednesday evening and met my friend Emily, we got our rental car and took to the streets to go meet our friends Maddie and Ed for dinner. DC is probably the biggest city I have driven in and the traffic and highways were insane. I opted out of the GPS for the car because I wanted to save money, but I definitely regretted that decision after the 3rd or 4th time of getting lost and having to back track.

On Thursday Emily, Ed and I spent the day being touristy and visiting all the monuments and government sights in downtown DC. We took our friend Morgue along with us for photo ops. 

Thursday night we headed out to run with a hash group in DC. The Everyday is a Wednesday Hash House Harriers were an awesome bunch. The pack of about 40 was large by our standards, but apparently the smallest they've seen in awhile. I loved the trail. The pack was fast, much faster than we are used to, it was tough to keep up, but we had a blast. When we arrived I was surprised to meet up with a hasher I knew, Yari Ben, whom I met while he was visiting Korea from Japan this past summer. I love how small the hashing world is! 

Emily and I spent Friday wandering around some of the Smithsonian Museums. We had a great time exploring and wandering. I loved being able to spend time with my Korean friends outside of Korea. 

Saturday was the big event we all came for. Our friends, Ed and Maddie were getting married! We were so excited to be able to go and we would be reuniting with some friends from Korea while there. We got all fancied up and headed out to the venue. It was absolutely gorgeous. Maddie looked stunning and the boys didn't look so bad either. I felt really honoured to be part of their special day, they are so in love and I know they will have a wonderful life together. I found myself in tears pretty quickly once the ceremony started. Just being able to be there and experience the love they have for each other was amazing. 

They had a delicious dinner and then we spent the night dancing away. Our crew basically owned the dance floor until they literally kicked us out of the building! 

Meeting up and hanging with the hashers was awesome and today I am really depressed about leaving and heading back to Canada. The prospect of having no planned visits or future trips with hashers is terrifying. Emily just left on her flight and I am sitting here, alone again, wondering what the future will bring. Plans for school are progressing but I am still waiting to hear if I will get a student loan for the program. If not, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe head to Vietnam to try to teach there, or I've been really leaning towards perhaps joining the military. Either way it is all new and I am scared. I have been blessed to have met so many awesome hashers who I know call family, I just don't know what I am going to do without them around all the time. This trip has been an awesome time of reunions, new places and closure. I've been on such a high being around all the people I love that I am afraid of the low that will come this week when I'm back in Bathurst, in the midst of the horrible winter. I'm trying to take it all as it comes. It will be a new challenge that's for sure. 

Georgia ain't half bad

All week long I've been wanting to sit down and write about my adventures but I just haven't had the time or the inspiration. I've been in Georgia for a week and I'm having a blast. Not only has the weather been fantastic and warm, but the state itself is gorgeous. I arrived in Augusta last Monday night after taking the bus from Charlotte. Taking the bus is America is much different than taking the bus in Korea. Let's just say I don't plan on taking it again unless absolutely necessary. My good friend , Truck, picked me up from the bus station and brought me to his house. For most of my trip I had planned out everything I wanted to do while I was in each location, except for Augusta. I left the 10 days I would be here open so I could just relax and go with the flow. 

The first morning I woke up and had a phone call from a long lost friend I met in Korea. He lives in Macon, Georgia about two hours away. Since Truck had an emergency at work and had to go in, I decided I would rent a car and head to Macon to visit him,(sorry Mom!). Being out on the road alone was awesome, I took some scenic roads to get there and really enjoyed driving through the countryside. I was meeting Drew at his work, and I was definitely nervous. I hadn't seen him in over three years, I was excited but at the same time it is really weird seeing people outside of Korea in a different light. So I met up with him and we went out with a few of his friends. It was really nice to catch up with him. By the time I even remembered to look at my watch, it was dark so there was no way I was driving back to Augusta that night. Drew offered me a place to stay at his house, but after spending sometime with him and seeing his house, it was clear to me our lives had gone in two different directions. Granted he is a few years younger than me, but he still lives the life of a young college student. That night I realized a lot about myself. I told him I was going to get a hotel and crash for the night. He couldn't understand why. So I told him exactly what was going through my head. When we first met, our lives were at the same place, he was in Korea with the army and I, a first year teacher, our lives revolved around partying and drinking and it was nice. But now, I don't drink, I don't party, my life isn't the same. And his is. I told him I just wasn't comfortable with staying at his house but that we could definitely meet up the next day. So I headed to the first hotel I could find and got a nice room at a good price! 

The next morning I woke up rather early, but being a morning person I called him anyway! I told him I would come get him at 9:00am sharp and if he wasn't ready by 9:05 I was heading back to Augusta. I drove up and he was out the door by 9:01am. Haha I'm demanding I know, but I get results! We went wandering around some National Monuments and Native American burial grounds. We walked through downtown Macon and had lunch at a nice little Greek restaurant. It was nice to be able to hang out with him in a non-drinking atmosphere. After our morning of hanging out he had to get ready to go to work, and I had decided I was going to keep the car for an extra day and drive to Savannah to check it out. I had come all this way, I might as well see some different places while I'm here. 

Savannah was gorgeous!! I could definitely see myself living there! The old houses and buildings were amazing, and the historical downtown area was great to just walk around. I spent the morning exploring downtown and then headed to a nearby beach for the afternoon. The weather was gorgeous and I had a great time enjoying the day to myself. Once I'd had enough of the beach I headed back to the car and made the two hour trip back to Augusta. 

Friday the weather was gorgeous so Truck took me out on his harley for the afternoon. It was my first experience on the back of a motorcycle and at first I was terrified! But as the day went on I got more comfortable and actually enjoyed it immensely! After the ride we met up with some friends of his at this neat pizza restaurant called the Mellow Mushroom. It was a good dinner with some great convo! 

Saturday was yet another amazing day weather wise so we took the harley to Dublin, Georgia. Obviously it's named after Dublin, Ireland, so they have a huge two week long St. Patty's day festival every year. We headed in to check out the parade and arts & crafts fair. Afterwards we drove to Macon, where there is a huge Cherry Blossom festival going on. Truck dropped me off and I spent the day visiting with Drew(well he was actually working for most of it) and hanging out with his friends. It was a really awesome day. It's funny how you can not see someone for years and then it's almost like things go right back to the way they were before. I spent a lot of time debating whether going to see Drew was a good idea. He had hurt me pretty badly when we were in Korea, but since we have remained friends and still talk quite often. After having spent some time with him, I am really glad I was able to see him again. It was nice to spend time with him and it made me more aware of who I am and what I want in my life. 

So now I am back in Augusta with one day left until I head to DC. It has been an awesome time hanging out with Truck and chatting with him. He is a great man. I'm scared of heading home to the maritimes again, I am so used to having friends around and things to do all the time, it's going to be hard to be alone in Bathurst or Charlottetown and not have my hash family around to support me. I am however, very much looking forward to meeting up with Emily in DC on Wednesday and seeing everyone for Maddie and Ed's wedding on the weekend! 

I got in a little run this morning which was nice, I have been eating everything down here, trying all the southern comfort foods, so I am definitely putting on some weight. But I am trying not to worry about it, and I know I will get back into my healthy routine once I get back to Canada. 

A weekend in Charlotte

It's a chilly, rainy Monday and I'm sitting here in a bakery in downtown Charlotte escaping the cold! My weekend in Charlotte has come to an end and I am awaiting my bus to my next destination, Augusta! Charlotte has been fun. I was reunited with my good friend Kat, got to meet her boyfriend and family, ran a 4 mile race, attended my first American Hash run, explored Discovery Place, and completed Crossfit Open WOD 14.3 at Crossfit Eternal. It was a busy, fun filled weekend! Seeing old friends really makes the transition from Korean life to North American life a little easier. I still find myself comparing everything to Korea, beginning sentences with "in Korea", and experiencing reverse culture shock of how things are here in the West.

The more I travel and hang out with people who know me well, the more I am beginning to know myself. I have always felt pressure by others to be someone I am not, whether it was to drink more, stay out later, go with the flow, or dress a certain way. I always felt the need to conform to others ideas of who I should be. As I grow up I've begun to realize my life is so much better when I stand my ground and do things the way I want. I know I am not a huge partier anymore, I'd rather have an action packed day full of adventures than sleep in and have a long night of drinking and partying. I know I am a loner, I crave personal space and am comfortable going at things alone. This weekend has only helped me be more confident in my choices. I attended the hash with Kat and not knowing anyone it was a bit difficult to tell them(the members of a drinking club with a running problem) that I am sober and no longer drink. People are quick to judge, but for the most part everyone was cool with my choice and didn't really give me a hard time.

I'm trying to remind myself that I am allowed to screw up, I am allowed to gain weight and not always be perfect. It's hard to eat healthy and on a Paleo diet while travelling. I know I am gaining weight by not eating my normal foods and by not following my normal eating plan. I gain weight easily and quickly, so even though my initial reaction when looking in the mirror is disgust and hatred, I am trying to actively say it's okay, it's okay to gain 5, or even 10 lbs while on vacation. It doesn't change who I am. Other people don't stop loving me just because my stomach is flabby, so I shouldn't stop loving myself either. It's easier said than done.

Going to Crossfit this morning was awesome, I got to complete this week's open WOD and did an additional little WOD as well. It made me feel good to push hard, especially because of all the junk food I've been eating so far.

Next stop on my adventure is Augusta to visit the one and only Little Bunny Foo Foo! I am very excited to spend some time with him and just relax! I am possibly going to take a day trip to Savannah to hit the beach! Who knows, no plans yet!

Another airport, another adventure

Airport's have become some of my favourite places. Being in an airport either means I am heading out on an adventure, or coming home from one. Today I am heading out yet again. After 6 days in Bathurst, I am on my way down to good ol' America for a couple of weeks. As soon as I boarded the plane this morning I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I don't belong in a small town being idle. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to be home, but I am more myself while exploring and being out on my own. I love the freedom of travelling alone. I can do what I want, when I want and not worry about anyone else. I can eat what I feel like, sleep when I want to, workout when I want to and explore the way I want to. Additionally, you meet so many people while travelling alone. This morning on my red eye flight to Montreal, I sat next to the nicest lady, she was in her late 60's but was travelling alone visiting long lost family she had only met a few years prior. She was so sweet and interesting to talk to. It's things like that that make me realize I am a lone traveler at heart. When I am kicking it somewhere for awhile(think months, or years) I love having a big group of friends to depend on, but when it comes to short trips and discovering new places, I love doing it alone.

So today, 46 days sober by the way, I am heading to Charlotte, North Carolina. I will meet up with my good friend Kat, whom I met in Korea. We have a race and a hash run planned for this weekend and I am very excited! Also on the agenda for the next few weeks are Augusta, Georgia, and Washington, D.C.(with perhaps a stop over in Columbia, South Carolina!) I am looking forward to reuniting with old friends and exploring new places(and getting out of the cold, snowy north!)

The time has finally come.

I didn't believe this day would ever actually arrive. Currently I am sitting in the Incheon Airport awaiting to board my first flight in my epic journey back to Bathurst, NB. Seoul-Tokyo-Toronto-Montreal-Bathurst. As I sit here, I look back on the last few months and am astonished at how quickly the time has gone by, it seems like it was just yesterday that I started applying to schools and deciding that this would be the year I leave Korea for good. This past week has been one of the hardest and longest I've had yet, the goodbyes seem to be never ending. It's hard to hold back tears while reminiscing about all the amazing adventures I've had here and the wonderful people I've shared them with. Coming to Korea was difficult and saying goodbye to home was hard, but knowing I would always go back "home" was comforting. Leaving Korea and my hash family isn't so easy, I don't know when I'll see them again or if I'll ever come back to this home. It's the end of an era, another chapter closed.

I've always been a little nervous about flying, but today the fear is not of the flight, but of leaving this place I have loved for the past three and a half years. It's a fear of the unknown, a fear of making a mistake, a fear of being alone. What if this is where I belong? Everyone keeps telling me this change will be good for me, it will be a new beginning, but right now it seems like an ending. I feel loved by so many, yet all alone.

I spent my last night in Korea amongst friends. My very good friend, Nathan, was kind enough to invite a few of us to a home cooked Mexican dinner by his visiting mother. It was a night filled with some of my dearest friends and the most delicious food. It was all a girl could ask for as a send off. Leaving was tough. Saying those last goodbyes, giving my favourite pup, Bruiser, one last snuggle, going back for one last hug from Nathan, a friend who has seen me at my worst and still loves me dearly. I never had friendships like this back home. The bond of living abroad and travelling together is stronger than any I have experienced yet. Shared goals and experiences brings us together.

Korea has been a roller coaster ride for sure. I have changed and become a totally different person from everything I have experienced here. I am so happy I took the leap to move here alone and I will always look back on this as one of the best times of my life. Things in Korea aren't quite right, and I like them that way. Maybe I fit in because I am a bit (NQR) not quite right myself!

A new adventure looms around the corner, I know it, but the older I get, the scarier the adventures become. Will I always be adventuring alone? When will I figure out what it is I want from this life? Or will I ever? For now I look forward to seeing my family and a few weeks spent reuniting with friends in the US, not to mention a hashy wedding at the end of March! And finally, after a nice month off, back to school, back to school. The world is mine for the taking!

Breathe in, breathe out, move on. 

The beginning of good-byes and so longs

What does a 29 year old do in Seoul on a Saturday night? Any number of crazy adventures could happen: a dinner with friends at a BBQ joint followed by a night belting out tunes at a Noreabang, drinks with the girls and then off to a swanky dance club to boogie down all night long, a movie night relaxing with close buddies, a concert, a show, a museum, the options are endless. And with less than two weeks left in this magical city, I'm spending a Saturday night at home in my sweat pants, thinking, reminiscing, pondering what is next for me in this big world.

The past few months, everything has been leading up till now. I always knew the day would come when I had to make the choice to leave Korea. I fell in love with this country and my life here. It's easy, it makes sense. It's filled with fun adventures and amazing people. But for a city that's always moving, my life here isn't going anywhere. I am not advancing. So the choice was made. I must leave this place that I've called home. And the time is coming, soon.

Last night I had to say goodbye to a good friend. He's in the military and will be away on exercise until after I leave the country, so we had our last hangout, and I had to say my first goodbye. It's weird thinking I may never see him again. The world is a small, but big place, and while I know some of the friends I've made here are lifelong, I know I may never cross paths with some again. It left me kind of in a daze. I hadn't realized until last night that I am living a life of "lasts". Last dinners, last sleepovers, last nights out, last hashes, last heart-to-hearts last shopping trips, last adventures in Korea.

Walking through Gangnam today with less than 12 days left, I realized I may never walk through Gangnam again. Trying to soak in everything I can, yet sort of shut down. I've never been good at change, I'm a sucker for routine, leaving this place that has become my home, and my expat family, is something that is really hitting me to the core. These friends I've made have impacted my life so greatly. Some for the better, some not so much, but ultimately, they have all changed me, and helped me get to who I am today, right now. I may not know who that is exactly, but I know I am different than who I was when I first stepped off the plane in this country. Moving here has changed my life completely. It opened up a world I never thought I'd know. The opportunities are endless, with friends scattered all over the world, I can travel anywhere and always have someone to see.

I know going back to Canada is going to be hard. I think about it everyday. I think about the uncertainty, what will I do, how will I get by? I think about the people I'm leaving behind, who will keep in touch? Who will fade into distant memories? I think about my kids at school. Will they miss me? How will they do next semester? I think about how I'll make new friends and how I'll relate to people who haven't travelled at all. It's terrifying. It keeps me awake at night. As I sit here in my almost empty apartment, I remember having those same thoughts upon moving here. Change is scary. But I am not that 26 year old small town girl anymore. I have gained confidence in myself and my independence since being abroad and on my own. If I can make it in a foreign country alone, I sure as heck can hack it back in Canada, where at least they speak English.

So with one week left at work, my bags are almost packed, I'm preparing myself for my final weekend here, to say goodbye and so long to my hash family, who, have supported me, been there for me,  have picked me up from my lowest lows, have high-fived me and celebrated my successes with me. I know it's not going to be easy, it's going to be filled with tears and reminiscing. But the good ones will stay in my life forever, and the bad ones will fade away into the past. One thing I do know, is that it's time for my next chapter. A new beginning, a chance to start over.

My decision to quit alcohol.

Beer, wine, vodka, whatever your preference, alcohol is readily available wherever you go. I come from a small town where drinking starts at a young age. I remember hanging out in friends basements as young as fourteen drinking Rockaberry Coolers thinking how awesome our lives were. Those coolers turned into vodka, which turned into beer, then wine and so on. As with many young adults, my life revolved around drinking. Jobs were a means to getting drunk on the weekends. University was a constant party and I loved it! For most of my adult life, I worked through the week and partied on the weekend. I have pictures of awesome times I had with friends, dancing, clubbing, hanging at the pub, but the memories are mostly blurry. In my early twenties it was easy, I could drink all night and have no problem getting up for work the next day. But as I grew older, it became harder to balance work life with my party life. I realized I had all these "drinking friends" but how many real friends did I have?

When I moved to Korea, that lifestyle got even worse. Korea is known for it's drinking culture. Employers take you out to dinner and buy drinks all night. As a foreigner it's how we bond. We work all week and then drink it all away on the weekends. Seoul is one of the top party cities in the world. A bottle of Soju costs $1, and you can buy beer, wine, and liquor at every convenience store(of which there are thousands!). It's very easy to blow all of your hard earned money on drinking, and wake up Monday morning not remembering a thing. My first year in Korea was spent doing just that, and I had a blast! But then my lifestyle began to change. I realized my love for running and cycling, trumped my love for drinking. It was no longer easy to wake up in the morning with a hangover and go to work or go for a run. So I started taking weeks and months away from drinking. It wasn't easy, especially when you belong to a club with the slogan, "A drinking club, with a running problem". But, it helped me sift through the "party friends" and find the real friends.

After my break up last year, I spent the good part of the summer and fall drinking the pain away. And let me tell you, it got very messy. I am a very emotional person. I've been dealing with some eating issues, including binge eating disorder, for the past few years. I am realizing what I do in times of emotional stress, I either binge eat or binge drink and often I do both. I have been working hard on controlling my eating issues and I find that staying active and healthy has helped a lot. I spent most of January not drinking, I'd go to hashes, drink water and have to explain to everyone why drunk Steak wasn't making an appearance. I'm saving it all up for a big night out in Hongdae for a friend's going away I would say. Which I did, last weekend. My good friend Emily is leaving Korea so we had a big get dressed up all nice and fancy last night out in Hongdae(the university party area of Seoul). And I had a blast. I drank, a lot, and danced, a lot, and ate, a lot. Sunday morning came and no surprise here, I felt terrible. Not only was I ridiculously hung over (why didn't my vodka/water/lemon concoction work this time?) but I felt terrible about myself for eating so much and for feeling like I was inadequate. So I proceeded to spend Sunday and Monday stuffing my face with everything and anything I could find. And I cried. A lot. About everything, I cried about my failed relationships this year, I cried about my inability to be confident in myself, I cried about my lack of willpower, I cried about my uncertain future, and anything and everything in between. I work so hard towards my goals in Cross fit and running, how could I sabotage them like this?

After peeling myself up off the floor, I looked in the mirror. Really looked. Why am I doing this to myself? I am very good at convincing others of how confident and great I am, I nail job interviews, I get asked out by great guys, I have tons of friends, why can't I convince myself of the same things? So I thought about my goals and what I want for myself. I want to be healthy, and fit. I want to be independent and able to take care of myself. I want to be able to control my emotions and my eating. And how does drinking attribute to these goals? The answer was clear, it doesn't. Drinking does nothing but derail my progress. It was at that moment that I decided I don't need or want it anymore. Will it be hard? Yes. Will I lose some friends because of it? Probably. But the people I really want in my life are the ones who will love me no matter what. The ones who will stand up and support my decision even if they think it's the wrong one. The ones I can call no matter how long it's been and they will listen and understand like we saw each other yesterday. Those are the people who matter.

The ones who tell me that drinking makes me more fun can suck it. I am who I am. As many of my friends will tell you, I am polite upon first meeting someone, but after that I close off. It takes me a long time to let people in, in my mind, I feel like I need to really know someone before I am willing to put the time and effort into being their friend. Does this make me a snob? Maybe. It definitely makes me a bitch at times. But it also means that I have friends whom I care about deeply and for whom I will do anything for. If you are a friend who falls into that category then you likely know everything about me. You know I am confident on the outside and insecure inside. You know I am sweet and thoughtful and full of feelings and emotions. You know I am stubborn and determined and will fight for my way no matter what. You know I fight for control over things in my life, and you know that instead of showing my feelings are hurt I close off and get defensive. If you are one of those friends, then your response to my declaration of soberness is "Awesome Caley, you got this", not, "Life is boring without drinking". I'm not choosing to be boring, I am choosing to live my life without the negative parts, and alcohol is a negative part for me.

A chat with a good friend this morning helped me feel more confident in my decision. He is brutally honest and at times it sucks, but he knows me well and knows that's what I need sometimes. I told him of my decision to quit drinking and he responded with, "you've said that before Caley." Which I have. And then he made me realize it's time to take a hold of my life. I've got a lot I need to work on, but it's time to make real concrete changes. Get control of my eating and drinking issues. Get control of my debt. Finally live my life for me and not for someone else. I need to stop wishing things will change and make them change. It's going to be hard. But I know I am driven enough to do it. Five weeks left in Korea. Big changes are happening, and I am not going to let anything get in my way. Definitely not alcohol. This is my life and I will be successful!

Another (half) Naked Race in Korea!

 As I said in my last post I am trying to live everyday I have left here in Korea to the fullest, so last weekend I ventured up north to Pyeongchang with some fellow hashers to run in the annual Naked Race. I've run this one once before, two years ago with some of the Seoul Flyers, and I guess I was crazy enough to do it again. The race organizers gave us a bus to transport us up there so we all met bright and early at 6am to begin the trek. 

The race is labelled a "Naked" race but participants actually need to wear a little something. Men were allowed to wear shorts only and women shorts and a sports bra or t-shirt. It was a chilly -5C with a windchill of around -8/9C. It was not the warmest! But crazy as we are, we stripped down and prepared ourselves for 5km of cold!! The Koreans at the race were fascinated with us crazy Waegooks (foreigners) so they were interviewing us and taking lots of pictures. We definitely felt like celebrities! 

Posing for pictures

One of the hashers in his running attire for the day!

At the start line getting ready to run! 

At the start line I was prepping myself for a slow run, I wasn't planning on breaking any of my records or anything like that, but once I began running I realized I was running at a good pace and was feeling pretty good. After the first 2km I stepped it up and decided I was going to try to beat my best 5km time which was 25:56. As I approached the turn around I realized I was relatively close to the front of the group, so I kept on pushing. I caught up with a Korean woman who was running at a good pace so I tried my best to stick with her. It was clear she didn't want me there as she kept trying to lose me but I pushed on. When we got down to the last 150m she stepped it into over drive and out sprinted me to cross the finish line about seconds before me. I crossed with a time of 25:12, my fastest yet! And to my surprise the woman in front of me was actually disqualified for her clothing(she wasn't wearing shorts) so I placed 5th in the women's 5km. I was joined on the finishers board by my friend Damien, who got 3rd overall and my friend Leigh who was 4th in ladies. We even got a special foreigners ceremony because we missed the actually prize ceremony. 

Just about to cross the finish line 

Who says hashers can't run fast?! Winning!

We had a great time and everyone who came along enjoyed it! I'm glad I decided to run it again and this time with my hash family!

Some of the crew after the race

Warming up around the heater after the race

Bright and early on a Saturday morning

My eyes opened this morning around 5am and decided they didn't want to close again. So I grabbed my laptop and did a little surfing while I was waking up. I came across this video on Facebook and it really hit the spot. http://vimeo.com/82197879

The landscapes in the video I have seen from almost all points of view. I have run circles around, over, up and down this city over the past two years. As a small town girl, I am lucky to live in such a vibrant, fast paced big city. Seoul will always have my heart, it is my home away from home. 

And now, I'm having a dance party as I get ready to go run yet another epic hash trail around this fabulous city!

Living everyday to the most, I've only got 8 weeks left in Korea! Make the most of it!