I knew that leaving Korea would be a tough thing for me to do. I'm a creature of routine. I loved Korea and everything it had to offer, the endless opportunities and adventures, friends available at a moments notice, miles and miles of running trails. It was hard to decide to leave. And when I made that decision I knew that assimilating back into life in Canada would be a hard, slow process. I didn't realize how quickly the sadness and depression would set in.
My hometown is very small, something like 12,000 people, very few jobs and not a lot going on. I've been here less than a week and I already feel trapped. I feel anxious to get out, to get moving, to a big city, any city, with noise and cars and people, lots and lots of people. I never thought that a day would come where I actually missed those things. I miss people bumping into me. I miss getting lost in the sea of Koreans on the subway into Seoul. It's easy to be invisible in Korea. I miss the independence. The ability to jump on a train or bus and be anywhere I want to be. I miss my usual Saturday plans of hashing all day. I miss my Crossfit community. I miss my hash family. I miss my kindy kids. I miss it all.
I'm finding it hard to relate to people here in Canada. No one understands what life is like in another country. And no one cares either. And why should they? Their lives are here, it's not even in their realm of knowledge. I find myself grasping on to the friendships I've made in Korea. I don't want to let go of any of them, because without them, it's like my life in Korea didn't exist. But it's difficult to maintain friendships with people you meet in a foreign country, everyone is so transient. You never know when you might see each other again. I feel desperate and out of control. My future is up in the air right now. I am waiting on paper work and loan documents to be figured out so I can hopefully go to school in May. I am tossing around the ideas of different schools, moving to Vietnam, joining the military, or just sucking it up and getting a job. I feel like I am walking around waiting for something to happen, I'm waiting for opportunities, I'm waiting for friends, I'm waiting for a relationship.
I know I have to force myself to push through. Running and going to Crossfit are the only things I do now. The only people I talk to are my parents, which is lovely after being away so long, but without friends, without my independence, I am drowning. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to make a choice for my life that is good. I want to teach, but that means more debt. The army is an easy fix, but I don't know if I'll even like it. But it means I wouldn't need to depend on/take handouts from my parents anymore. I'm almost 30 and I have to sit here and watch as my parents spend every last penny they have to try and help me, when they are struggling enough on their own. I feel like a failure. I was an honour student, smart, outgoing, I should have been successful. I should be able to support myself. Instead I am 29, lonely, broke, in debt, jobless, carless, friendless and living in my parents basement. I am lost.
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