Lost, and home isn't home anymore.

As you probably know, I have been living abroad in Korea for the last three and a half years. In that time I have gone home once after my first year. This year I was excited to be able to come home for Christmas. After counting down for many months, the time finally arrived for me to board my plane and make my way back to the east coast of Canada. After more than 30 hours of travelling I arrived home. But after a few days, I've quickly realized home just isn't home anymore. It has been wonderful to spend time with my family and see my old friends, but I feel so out of place here. Like I'm not really here, I am just watching from the outside. I've always known that the longer I stayed away, the less I could relate to my friends and family back home. I have lost touch with many friends and the ones I still remain in contact with just don't understand what life is like away from home. I have nothing to say to people around here, they don't understand why I would want to live in a strange country or why I choose to not have a white picket fence, kids and a husband(well the husband part really isn't my choice!)

I feel completely lost and like I'm wandering around looking for the place that I belong. I'm living the aftermath of yet another break up, trying to figure out where I always go wrong. It's been a tough year for me. After the horrible, heart wrenching break up I went through in May, I was reluctant to let myself love anyone again. But as they say, love came along and I wasn't expecting it. Despite my best efforts, I found myself head over heels in love with one of my very good friends. He was someone who had seen me through the rough times and still wanted to be with me. This was the first time I had ever dated someone who I was good friends with, and it definitely made us a lot closer much more quickly. I fell hard and fast, despite the constant fear that I would have my heartbroken yet again. And as it happens, on the last day before he and I were going to leave each other for three months, my fears came true and my heart was broken. It seems inevitable now. Every time I let myself fall, every time I let my guard down and let someone in, I get hurt. How many heart breaks can one girl take? People always say 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I'm not sure I believe that. Not only did I get my heart crushed, but I lost a very important friend in the process. One of those friends you can talk to, who will be there when you need them, who knows the bad things about you and still loves you anyway. If I had chosen friendship over love, I would still have that. Of all things I've done in my life, this is one I regret. I made the wrong choice.

I am officially unemployed this coming February. I will be leaving Korea, the place I've called home for 3+ years and my friends who have become my family, and moving back to Canada to await a letter telling me if I get into university or not. I'll have no job, no house, no car, no boyfriend, no friends and no plans. It's terrifying. I'm nearing my 30th birthday and my life is not even close to being figured out. I worry about what I will do and how I will support myself. I am ashamed that I've reached this age and have nothing to show for it, yet I wouldn't trade my travel experiences for anything. I'm embarrassed that I am going to be sleeping on my parents couch and going back to school yet again. I'm afraid I'm making the wrong choice, yet I feel I have no other choice. I'm doing my best to tell myself it's time to make a change, and change is good. It's a new chapter with new adventures. It means saying goodbye to friends, but saying hello to new ones.

I'm worried I am becoming jaded, that the more I get lost and the more I get hurt, the higher my wall goes and the harder it will become to break it down. Can I really keep hoping?  I've always said I am a hopeless romantic, but every time someone loves me, they decide they don't want to put in the work. Maybe I really am destined to be alone. Maybe I am too selfish, or too unloveable, or too mean for anyone to really love forever.

All I can do is continue on, day by day, hoping that I what am I doing is leading me to my best self. And hoping that one day I will find that place I belong and the person I belong there with.