Well, after having finished my Whole30 project, things in my life seem to have taken a turn. I was very pleased with the way things went during the diet change. I felt better, have lost a ton of weight and was finally filled with energy again.
However, since then I have been having some issues with food allergies, and an inability to tolerate certain foods. This has started to manifest into something that I can see becoming very dangerous. Because of how terrible I have felt in the past few weeks I have become afraid to eat many foods and have also started developing a lot of guilty thoughts about what I am eating. I never used to be one to watch what I ate really, I tried to eat healthy but if I wanted to eat something I would. Since I have lost so much weight I look back at pictures of myself and shudder. How could I have let myself look like that? And even now, after losing 10lbs and fitting into clothes that haven't fit in years, I still find myself looking in the mirror and thinking, "I need to work harder, I can do better." These thoughts are not good, I know that much for sure. And they are terrifying. I am constantly in a fight with my brain over what I can eat and what I should eat. Over the weekend I indulged on three separate occasions.
First, I am lucky enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who is a chef, I LOVE his cooking. He is amazing at it. So this week he was making Pumpkins muffins at work, deciding that I could allow myself a treat, I asked him to save me one. So Friday night I had it and it was DELICIOUS!
Then on Saturday I went to the hash. We ran an awesome 12km trail. Afterwards there were lots of fresh veggies and fruit around for me to eat. However, there were also homemade chocolate cupcakes. So since I had run a lot I figured I could have one and it would be okay. So I did and went about the rest of my day eating my normal healthy foods.
Sunday came along and back to the hash I went, we went out for food afterwards and I, despite the desire I had for chicken strips, ordered a grilled chicken breast salad. Afterwards, when I was back home, I had to run some errands and went by Baskin Robbins, I thought, "Hrm I ate great all day, whats one scoop of ice cream going to do? " So I indulged yet again. And it's after that that the horrible thoughts started making their way into my brain. I immediately felt guilty for eating that and the other "treats" I had that weekend. How could I have worked so hard to get where I am and let myself down by eating that junk? I barely slept all night, having horrible nightmares and stressing out about food.
This morning I woke up and did my usual mirror check, have I gotten any skinnier?Nope, work harder Caley, I thought. I had my breakfast of two eggs, mushrooms, peppers and an apple, packed my bag for the gym and was off to work. My day at work on Monday is very boring, today has been slow and my thoughts are consumed by food and guilt. What should I eat, how can I make choices about food and remain healthy yet still be happy with the way I look? After eating my lunch of a grilled chicken salad and some pineapple chunks, I chatted with my boyfriend briefly. He voiced his concerns for the thoughts and feelings I've been having. It's not the first time he told me he is worried about the way I am looking at food and myself. But it is the first time I have realized he is possibly right. Before I thought, no way I could ever have an eating disorder, I love food too much, and its not like I'm starving myself. I still eat all three meals of the day. But now I see that it is a slow progression into something like that and it seems that I am on a possible track to that destination. So I am making the decision to research how I am feeling, I am looking into methods to stop feeling guilty about the food I eat. I am planning activities for the week that I know I will enjoy. I am attending a girls night on Thursday and then meeting some friends on Saturday morning for a mountain run. It's time I branch out and while my general instinct is to seclude myself from others and deal with things on my own. I am acutely aware that this is not a situation in which that is possible. I need to turn to other people to help me or I will drown in depression and unhappiness. I need to make a change in my life and I need to concentrate on my happiness. It starts today. New gym membership after work. I can do this.
Well, your honesty and depth of self analysis is exceptional. It's a good thing that you are self aware and can research and reach out about your issues.
ReplyDeleteA big thing is body image and acceptance which we all suffer with no matter the age and body type.
I think they say that food becomes a way to have some control over our life when we can't control a lot of other things.
You'll work it out I'm sure.